======================
To make you smile!
======================

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"


******************************************************************
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally  asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy
thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come
in or stay out!'"

******************************************************************
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her small boy into bed.  She was about to turn off the light when he asked
with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room."   A long silence was broken
at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

******************************************************************
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.
The church lights were lowered, and  then the choir came down the  aisle,
carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing
in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you.  Happy birthday to you..."

******************************************************************
It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's
sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little
girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the
pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your
Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's
clip-on micro-phone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's hell to iron."

******************************************************************
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground,
Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday
School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if
that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't
warned."


New as of January 2000

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let
me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb
and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got
up, brushed herself off, and started  running again. As she ran she once
again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't  let me be late!...
don't shove me either."
 > > > > -----------------
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer:
"Now I lay me down to rest,
and hope to pass tomorrow's test,
If I should die before I wake,
that's one  less test I have to take."
 > > > > -----------------
A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and
my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me.
Oh, please take care of  yourself, God.
If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
 > > > -----------------
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room.
After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had
thought it over and then said a prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not
misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not
misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
> > > > -----------------
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of
the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make
sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.
He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven  raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I
know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited
for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very
long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny
how  he knew this. Little Johnny said,
"Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom
door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"
> > > > ------------------
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of
religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she
caught the man in  the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled,
"Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...). The burglar stopped
dead in his tracks. The woman  calmly called the police and explained
what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked
the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a
scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had
an AXE and two 38's!"

 

New as of 11/15/99

Out of the mouths of babes...............
Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home.
Knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to
the door and saw the priest. He called to his dad,
"Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"
 ************************************************
My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelli, went with her neighbor girl to
church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the
children cup their hands, and when he gives them the
Host-in this case, a piece of bread- he says:
 "God be with you." Apparently this made quite an
impression on my niece. She came home and told
her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli
took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it
in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her
most angelic voice: "God will get you."
 ************************************************
We set out our crèche for the holidays, and my 5-year-old daughter,
Laura, was watching me put all of the figurines in it -- especially
baby Jesus. I explained what a manger was-that they didn't have a
crib for him, so they had to lay a blanket on the hay and put him there.
She thought about that for a minute, and then she looked at me and
said, "Mom, did they have to use a manger for his car seat, too?"
************************************************
My boss' son is five years old. He attended his first funeral with
his family. I saw him on Sunday and asked him what he thought of it.
His answer, "She was already dead when we got there."
 ************************************************
I read your story about the small child saying, "Night-night" to a
body at the funeral home. It reminded me of our small daughter. We
took her to view her great- grandmother, and she asked, "Why did
they put Great-grandma in a jewelry box?"
************************************************
I took Allison to the doctor for her 2-year-old check. They had her
do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if
they walk properly. And then the doctor said, "Allison, can you
stand on one foot for me?" And she walked over and stood on his foot.
 ************************************************
My son has a pet iguana, and he took it to school to show some of
the other kids. If you've ever seen an iguana, they have a large flap
of skin that hangs down from their neck, and it's called dewlap. The
kids were asking what it was, and he explained, and a little girl in his
class said, "Oh! My grandma has one of those."
 ************************************************
I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and
I was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager. One
5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager."
He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said
to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!" 
************************************************
Two boys, ages 8 & 4, were discussing Adam and Eve.
The 8-year-old asked "How did Adam and Eve die?" And the 4 year old
said, "they ate bad fruit."

+++++++++++++++++++++
Pre 11/99

SIGNS ON CHURCH PROPERTY
"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

======================
"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine" (Proverbs 17:22).

I BID YOU PEACE

A little church humor!

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the
aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating
between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his
hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step,
ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near
tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The
little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing,
and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked
what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
*******
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and
looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out
of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old
leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages." Momma, look what
I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother
asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think
it's Adam's suit!"
********
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big
sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why?
Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church
and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
********
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the
morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense
of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked
the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just
before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to
the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
=========
And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
=========
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from
one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into
silence, and after  church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle...And He just then
did!"
=========
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to
rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's
one less test I have to take."
==========(I love this one!)
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it.  I'm having a real good time like I am!"